OK, so today I feel the need to bitch and moan, so if you don’t want to read a bunch of complaining, I strongly advise you to skip this post and go on to another blogger which has a more positive attitude today cause, I’m as far from positive as can be today…
Where to start???? Haven’t got a clue… To much going on, to much of my past that is rearing it’s butt ugly head. Was my adopted mothers birthday the other day. If she still would have been alive, she would have turned 102 years old… I had actually managed to put it out of my mind, that is until it was late at night and I sat here doing bills and saw what date it was… Lots of emotions flooding my system… GUILT being one of them… Guilt for NOT remembering that it was her birthday, the birthday of one of my abusers, which has been dead for almost 18 years now… Dead but far from forgotten, even though I try, she just pops up like a freakin Jack-in-the-box when least expected. Sending me on a total loop… I don’t know how many times over the years I’ve screamed out loud: “Get the F out of my life, my space and my home. You’re dead! Stay in your grave and STOP haunting me!!!! I didn’t deserve your abuse back then and I sure as hell don’t deserve it now either! So, just GO AWAY!!! Always feel like a total loon when I do this but…. *sigh*
Anyhow…
I am so tired right now. Tired of feeling so vulnerable and having to put a mask on… A mask that is fake and not me, just so I can cope with everyday situations others take for granted and haven’t a second thought that someone could have flashbacks in regards to those “everyday situations” . Going in to town, I not only put on a mask as well as makeup, so that I at least look like I’m fine. Lightly colored glasses so that the haunted look in my eyes is more or less hidden from those that don’t look to closely… Thankfully, I don’t drive into town more than perhaps 2 times per month. Once back home to the safety of my house and the forest, I can sleep for 2 whole days, with the only exception of getting up to take my dogs out for their walks in the forest and feed the cats. A knock on the door, will result in me jumping clear out of my skin and I won’t even go check who is there. My dogs, which are trained guard dogs have been taught to be quiet when someone is at the front door.
I’m in so much pain right now, both physical as well as psychological… I have chronic back pain, which is located in the muscles of my mid back. Haven’t been able to figure out why I am experiencing this pain, even though I’ve been in the hospital on several occasions having the “professionals” checking it out… Nope, they can’t find anything and they’ve also ruled out fibromyalgia… but told me that on the “scale” which fibromyalgia can be measured, I’m only 3 degrees/points from having it…. whatever that means. Told me also that it is very likely that someone which has a psychological disorder such as my PTSD, has a higher risk of contracting fibromyalgia if already in constant pain and therefor vital to keep the pain levels in check, so they don’t get worse… Ok, I can buy into that… Just wish my doctor would have the same or similar perception… NOPE, no such luck… He’s constantly trying to cut back on my pain medication, saying that I can become dependent on the medication…. Seriously dude!! I’m already sitting in a wheelchair more days per month than I’m not. I have a permit on the windshield of my car which grants me permission to park in a handicapped space… What part of I’m in pain is it you don’t understand???? Add to that, I have lifelong PTSD which results in anxiety when I least expect it and once it breaks out, I need to get away from whatever situation I am in if I’m not at home, or I risk becoming committed somewhere, which would just make matters worse… Add the physical pain to this and ALL HELL breaks loose inside of me and I have to FIGHT myself, literally to keep my cool, at least within myself and until I’m in a “safe place”… I can deal with my PTSD demons and I can deal with my more or less chronic pain but put them both together…. I can’t handle that very well. It’s enough to push me completely over the edge of sanity and turn me into a stark raving maniac. Therefore, if I’m in town when this happens, I’ll just drop whatever I’m holding or doing, find my car and drive home. Making sure I follow every traffic rule, as the last thing I need when I’m feeling like that is getting pulled over by the cops for some stupid reason… Not a good idea. Not for me and not for them and yes, if nothing else, my mouth would land me in jail… Add to that, I’m claustrophobic and can’t handle being in a small confined area/room, next stop would be the “funny farm”….
And what’s up with both people and doctors… “There can’t be anything wrong with you… You don’t look sick… How on earth did you manage to get your disability pension??? So, what am I suppose to do, go break my leg on purpose just to shut people up? Do you know how many times I’ve thought of buying the kind of plaster they put on your arm or leg when you’ve broken it, just so I don’t have to answer stupid and personal questions. I mean, no one asks you if you are sick or handicapped if you have a cast on? Just because “the Jones’s” can’t see on me that I have a disability, does that mean there’s nothing wrong with me? Or when I was younger…. Ooooh, but you are so young, there can’t be anything wrong with you…. “riiiiiiight” Age is a number that has absolutely nothing to do with health… Doesn’t matter if it’s physical or psychological…. and just because you can’t tell by just looking at me that I do have a disability, doesn’t mean I don’t have one, or in this case a few… It just means I’ve learnt to keep a lid on it when I’m out among people and honestly, it’s not for their sake, not the least bit, as I couldn’t give a shit if they lived or died… It’s for my sake and my love of freedom and not wanting to be locked up somewhere. Be very happy you can’t read my thoughts, cause you’d RUN screaming, as far away from me as possible… Be grateful that I have such a grip on myself and control of my emotions when I’m out and about. It’s called “knowing what is socially accepted behavior” when out amongst people… That’s the main reason why I live out in my house in the woods… Even if I can put on this mask temporarily, I can’t keep it up for longer periods of time and need to go back to the safety of my home, where I can be myself and get the love and acceptance from my dogs and cats… After all, they are my family and those that I identify with on a deeper level. And NO, I would NEVER EVER dream of hurting one of them…..
Fighting My PTSD Demons 