Ok WARNING, WARNING, WARNING… in dire need of venting, so if you can’t handle reading a PTSD crazed loon venting, cussing and other graphic descriptions… Go read some page about growing flowers or something else non traumatizing…
Been a few months since I last posted. Quite seriously, not that I didn’t need to post, however, way to much shit going on and not landing before the next bomb hits… WHEN DO THINGS GET PERMANENTLY BETTER??? Easy answer… NEVER… Learn to deal with it! Scream, rant and rave till you get it out of your system but sorry Hun, the mindboggling and terrifying demons are here to stay, so you better fucking get used to them or get a rope and end it… Now, that’s a total cop out but I won’t hold it against you, stronger individuals than me have chosen that way out. To bad that they’ll have to repeat all this shit and more in their next incarnation… Or, at least I so believe… Some days, that’s the only thing holding me on to this shitty condition called “LIFE”. Look at the bright side… Think of all those that are worse off…. ehhh… and how in the hell is that suppose to make me feel better… Feel better that someone is in more pain than me??? duh??? Sorry, moron, it don’t work that way… Never has and never will… I don’t give a rats ass how most other people feel (try 99.99999999 %) I couldn’t care less if I woke and drove to town tomorrow to find everyone dead in the streets… The human race does in no way interest me. Me being the first to an accident scene… That’s not something you the victim want… You have a pet with you… You better believe I’ll deal with the pet and bring it to safety, before I even look at you… Yes, I’m cold enough to be able to treat you without gagging and yes I do have medical training, even I went through those courses so I could take care of my self if the situation ever arrived… So yes, I can take care of you without fainting. But you will never be my first priority…
My sweet (NOT) demons have once again reared their butt ugly snouts… Creating havoc within me. Doing my darndest trying to push them away, their intrusive thoughts and perverted advice… Now why in the 9 hells would I even consider doing what they are telling me to do??? It’s not like they’d get cooped up in a cell if I went though with their sick ideas. Ideas that actually make me sick to my stomach as they quite often not only involve strangers but also my own children. Actually I should probably be grateful that they are directing them towards my kids, as they are the only human beings that I would NEVER HARM… Plus I treasure my freedom out here in the forest… being able to live out here makes me feel totally blessed in so many ways. I am at peace out here. Most of the time I’m able to heal out here from “their” attacks, before I have to head into town yet again for a shopping run. Miss the States some times and the 24 hour open supermarkets, where you could go shopping in the middle of the night and have to deal with very little people and those you had to deal with, most of them were as fucked up as you are and just leave you alone, as long as you leave them alone…
Throw whatever you want my way, I’ll deal with it! I’m a chameleon and I can fit into any type of setting, at least for awhile until things are dealt with, then I have to head back out here to the safety of my home and privacy and recharge my batteries. Only thing that is keeping me out of some type of lockup, is the fact that apart from my offspring, I value my freedom the most and will not do anything to jeopardize that, unless I’m damn sure I can get away with it…
Met a bunch of abortionist fundies today while in for a regular check-up, that are against all forms of abortion and got a pamphlet shoved into my hand. I calmly asked what they wanted me to do with this indoctrination… Lady got very pissy with me and went on to call me all sorts of names and political belonging to… Fact, I’m in no way affiliated with any political stand… I don’t care enough about the human race to get involved in their destruction. Most of you guys are doing a great job on your own… As far as abortions go… Seriously?? I don’t like humans… Why in the hell would I want more to be born???? Yet another fully grown idiot I’ll have to deal with some day…Like I wrote previously in this post… I don’t care if the whole world would up and die… I don’t care if I was the only person left in this world. Yes, I would be happy if I had my children with me, as well as other kids I’ve helped raise and defend without any thought to myself.. However most of these will grow up someday to be adults and then they change… but, I wouldn’t kill myself if they all were gone, it would just mean they didn’t have to suffer learning how to take care of themselves in a hostile world… Would I miss them. Yeah, of course. At least for awhile… untill I’d convinced myself they were better off where they were… So, why in the fuck would I care about an aborted or not aborted fetus???? Coming first to the scene of an accident, I’d chose to help the animal if any within the car any day over a human… Humans are the only “animal” that deliberately hurt their own species for just the fun of it.. Yeah, other animals can do it too, but they usually have something seriously wrong with them when they do something like that… A human can do it regardless of if s/he is warped or not… What makes the human race so fucking special… Nuke em!!! Let mother nature start over and hopefully get it right next time around. Makes me wonder sometimes how many times she’s had a do-over… Man is a brutal and vile beast… A beast without conscience (not all but many and especially those that count here in mans society)
The abortion fundies tell me that I should be “grateful” that I didn’t end up in a petree dish as an abortion… Sweetheart… I only wish I had!!! My then 33 year old father raped my barely 15 year old mentally handicapped and innocent mother… I was the forced result on her. Daddy dearest couldn’t handle both me and my mother, which made him feel that he had 2 children instead of 1… However, he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants and got her pregnant 2 more times… Hallelujah… the Lord is good, and when he dishes out, he really pours his “blessings”… NOT! 😦 Back then, you couldn’t get an abortion if you didn’t have allot of money, something my mother didn’t and my dad was to cheap to pay for… Grandpa went after him with a shotgun and forced him to marry my mother, or he’d go away for statutory rape and being that this was back in the early 60ies… he got scared and married my mom… Didn’t prevent him from bringing his girlfriends home and sleep with them in her bed, while she was home forced to sleep on the couch or wherever…
One day he got tired of taking care of “multiple children” my mother included and her expecting yet another one, which he of course totally blamed on her… He kidnapped me and put me on a plane to his crazy mother which lived out in the swamps near Tampa Florida. Spent my next near 4 years with that crazy woman and her mentally handicapped daughter, as well as her new pedophile husband, alone with them way out in the swamps, my step grandpa which sexually abused me and beat me more or less ritually from infancy. up until the day he threw me into his big blue car, drove me to my mothers house in California and kicked me out of the car and onto the curb with the words… Your mother lives in that house, and drove off leaving me, barely a four year old standing alone on that curb… What he hell was I suppose to do… I’d never been among people besides my granny, her daughter and her pervert of a husband. Finally I walked up the LONG path leading up to the front door… Reached for the doorbell and when the strange woman (my mom) opened the door, all I said was “are you my mommy”. A very large part of me wishes she wouldn’t have been home that day, as I believe I would have ended up in an orphanage instead… Yeah, I know that’s not an easy life either, but it sure beats one constantly getting your hopes up, only to get flattened into your shoes again… My biological mother couldn’t handle me since, as she delicately phrased it… You were more a wild animal and not a human child and I would have killed you if I’d kept you… She use to call me her swamp bred wildcat… and ended up giving me up for adoption short thereafter… Of course not telling my new adopted parents what I’d been though from infancy up to when she’d gotten me back out of the blue… Was adopted by an elderly overly old-fashioned Christian couple that had the strong belief that the Bible in one hand and the rod in the other would cure me of whatever devil I had inside of me…. Their church elders would come over regularly and preform a more or less exorcism on me… Forcefully holding me down and SCREAMING to their god to save my soul… Scared the shit out of me… literally… Moved out when I was 14 years old and never looked back… Other than that, I still carry with me all the hurt and rage from those years, as well as the hate. A hate that has become a hate that I feel for nearly ALL human beings, especially now that those that were to blame back then are dead and I can’t do jack shit about anything, other than possibly piss on their graves… Everyone in my adopted parents church and their friends knew what they were putting me though but did ANYONE STEP UP AND SAY ENOUGH!!!!? Nope… so, they are as guilty as everyone else…
My son is now in trouble. Is going through deep depressions from being raped and abused… History has an ugly way of repeating itself, even if you do your darndest to choose another path to walk on… Multiple suicide attempts, constant watch over him, so that he won’t hurt himself… This is REALLY waking up all of my monsters/demons and I’m in overdrive right now…
In constant physical pain myself and have to take quite strong medication in order to be able to get up out of my wheelchair some days… I know from previous run-ins with my PTSD demons, they have a tendency to boost the pain to unbearable conditions. No different now, other than I don’t give a shit about the physical pain. It’s nothing compared with the psychological pain knowing that MY SON is having to deal with the same or similar crap that I’ve had to deal with… Seriously considering if it’s worth the jail time taking his abuser out… Better me than my son… Naaaa… There are other ways of skinning a bear…
My one wish here in this life is, please could we at least have one month peace, just one month so that we can catch our breath before the next tidal wave comes crashing down over us, forcing us to swim or sink in storming waters…
Not sure how much more of this shit I can take. Not sure how long I’ll be able to keep my instincts in check and not give in to the sweet suggestions my demons are whispering in my ear…
Fighting My PTSD Demons 