When does the past become the past and something you can let go of both consciously as well as unconsciously? People you meet or know tell you: “Just get over it! There ain’t nothing you can do about it, so why keep dwelling on it?” Seriously… You don’t think I’d rather “just get over it”, get on with my life, be happy, forget about what happened, live without the ever present ghosts of my past, which rear their ugly heads, even though most of them have been dead for years, but still to this day kick start a gut reaction… Making me run… Run to safety, run to somewhere I don’t have to worry about being abused, violated, vulnerable and once again a victim… I am 52 years old now and I’ve lived with these “demons” for 51 and a half years… Do you people that say: “Ah, get over it!” Do you have any idea how much those words hurt? How do you get over an instinctive reaction? How do you get over a flight or fight instinctive reaction to something your unconscious mind instantly deems as a possible threat, regardless of it is or not? It doesn’t matter that I consciously know that most of it is in my head these days. Your unconscious mind reacts regardless and sends you into instant survival mode… There is absolutely NOTHING rational about flashbacks and instinctive reactions…
Like I wrote previously, I’m 52 years old now and so far, most of my “faculties” are reasonably intact but what happens 15 – 20 years down the road when/if I start to become senile, dementia or get Alzheimer’s and begin to relive my past, relive the abuse and feel as if I am right smack in the middle of it once again? Will whatever caregivers I have providing care for me understand what I am going through and feel? Will they know why I am the way I am and why I react the way I know I will? Not likely…
Fighting My PTSD Demons 
Our beginning is our core. NO one can just get over it! Even my stepdad talks about anger from his childhood! He has become an amazing man but he still has times of anger that he blames on his childhood. There was a program on MTV called If You Only Knew Me and it talks about where kids come from and how it effects them…. I have always wanted to be a part of that program… they visit schools all around the country and try to teach the kids how to look inside one another and understand where they came from, in order to show more compassion to each other.
You are a product of your past. But you can be a messenger and create something positive from it all. Not denying it… or getting over it… but rising above it. Not letting it beat you!
Because I see such a beautiful soul in your words. Wounded with a story that nobody should have! My heart is for the young girls. Perhaps because I am stuck back in my youth too. I started out in a very troubled relationship when I was about your age and somehow through my story, I am trying to reach out and help girls avoid the subtlle way that we get sucked into abusive relationships due to our own lack of self esteem for whatever reasons… through writing a book which I have shared a bit of on my blog… I see a book in your future as well!
Keep writing honey, it is healing for one thing… but I see a story worth sharing and your blog is a good place to start! But I see you as a voice. A strong voice… in your future….
We all are given an empty book filled with unwritten pages. You still have a whole book to fill!
So glad you stopped by my blog. So glad I found you!
XOXO
Thank you for being able to understand, even though I know it must bring up memories of your own. Yes, we are a product of our upbringing but we also have the responsibility for our actions of today, regardless of our beginnings, or that those first few years have set in stone the very foundation we stand on and guide our behaviour and instinctal reactions. I fight myself more or less every day, one way or another and those days when I have to go into town, I’ve got the “performance” down to a T… But… I keep hating myself for being as fake as a 3 dollar bill but, know that this is what I have to do if I want to survive. Back out in the forest, on my property and in my home, I can be myself once again, even though many times, I dread the next month knowing I have to do it all again… I’m thankfull I’m physically healthy besides my backpain and hope to stay that way as long as I can… And yes, you aren’t he first one to tell me I should write a book. Perhaps one day I will. I’m glad I found you too
OXOXOX right back atcha! 🙂