Tired…..

Hello dear blog…

As usual, you get all the crap that goes through what substitutes as the excuse of my warped brain…

I am sooooo tired, tired of everything, tired of my nonexistent life, or that’s at least how I perceive it right now and have for quite a few years. I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to get myself unstuck from this foul quick-sand that is dragging me deeper and deeper into its slimy grasp. The more I kick and fight, the faster I’m sinking. Which is best, to just give in and sink slowly, accept my fate that I’m slowly dying inside? or kick, scream and fight and die a quicker death?? Can’t see anything I can use to help pull me out of this mire, can’t will myself to get out… I feel trapped, trapped like a bunny rabbit in a hunters snare, just waiting for the final second and everything will be over… But will it really be over? Or will my spirit keep lingering in as much fucking pain as it is now. What kind of “bright” future is that to look forward to, other than the fact that I can try to scare the crap out of people who have abused me over the years. Unfortunately, most of them are dead themselves now, so what good will that accomplish if I may or may not have the ability to haunt someone???

Middle of the night random thoughts running through my head. Can’t sleep during the nights, it for some reason doesn’t feel safe. Sleep during the day instead as it feels much safer. Besides it actually makes sense in a strange sort of way. I’m awake and everyone else is asleep… In other words, I don’t have to worry as much about “humans”. No risk anyone knocking on my door, no cars driving past on the dirt road outside of my house, except the weirdos/not so nice people who have been checking out the houses out here to burglarize… Been so many out here now that have had their houses broken into that the cops are keeping an eye on the area, or at least that’s what they are saying. I guess I’ll belive it when I see them. Call the cops from out here, it takes over an hour for them to show up…. *sigh* Got my trusty baseball bat and my dogs and can promise that if I am awake and some creep does come into my house, there won’t be much left of whoever to stick in the ground… 😦 Problem is over here in Sweden, IF I were to kill or seriously harm someone, even if it is a burglar inside MY HOUSE and my life is in danger, I’m the one that gets slapped with jail sentence for unnecessary violence and assault with a deadly weapon… GO FIGURE What am I suppose to do? Just stand there and get beat up or worse? HELL  NO…. One good thing about having PTSD and being able to claim that instinct took over and I just reacted… But still I feel that is just WRONG… If my dogs bite an intruder, I risk having to have them put down. Can be avoided if I have multiple signs up outside WARNING FOR THE DOG. I wonder if it would work the same if I would put up signs that said WARNING FOR THE 2-LEGGED BITCH?? I doubt it…  I know I’m in a very dark and dangerous place within my mind right now and have chosen to isolate myself out here in my cabin where I live, just in order to be safe. With safe I mean, not risking doing something that can and would land me in jail. My freedom means everything to me but lately things have been happening on a near daily basis that has forced me to drive into town to help my son that is in an abusive relationship… This is NOT a very good or even recommended idea right now…. 😦

Those of you that have followed my ramblings for some time now, know the ups and downs I’ve had with the dealings with my son. I love him more than anything in the world. I love all my children but he is my baby and unfortunately, I have spoiled him, so I am to blame for him not being able to deal with shit as it crosses his path…. His multiple suicide attempts, his depression, anxiety etc…. Me constantly being “on call for the past 25 years”, not being able to relax for even a second… This has been going on for years upon years and I just can’t do it anymore but then, I can’t stop myself from running to help him when he calls me frantically…

I’m at the point where I just want to call it quits and MOVE as far away from here as I can. I have my eyes set on northern Alaska… No phones, no internet, no outside communication… Poooof gone…

Actually, packing up and just leaving would FORCE myself to FORCE him to deal with his own situation… Tough love? yeah, but it would actually  hurt me just as much, if not more, knowing he was on his own, either forced to deal or not with his problems or killing himself… But i want to live too… Seeing a shrink? been there, doing that and nothing good is coming out of it. Changed shrinks many times but… same shit different day… 😦