Dear diary,
What do you write when you’re screaming on the inside? How do you get that emotion out in writing? How do you manage, when there is no one you can talk to, no one that you trust enough to tell what really is going on inside your head? 😥
I am so tired, so tired to the point where I really don’t want to continue fighting for my survival. What is the point? Where are the benefits of me keeping on fighting? Where is the happiness, the peace and tranquility? Why???
I feel like all the beautiful trees on my property that came crashing down in the terrible storm this past weekend. Broken giants, beyond fixing and even if it was possible, I don’t have the strength to do it, or even the desire to pick myself up yet again. What would the point be?
These past few years have taken their toll on my soul, my strength, my will to keep going. I can no longer see a reason for why… I’m broken beyond repair and the “tape” I have used so frequently in the past to patch over the tears in my soul isn’t doing it for me anymore. Not when there is more tape than soul and just taping over old withered bits of tape, is no longer a solution, not even a “quick fix” in order to be able to just get through the day and hopefully have gained enough strength by tomorrow, to live to fight another day… I’m tired, exhausted beyond anything measurable. I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want to give up and cash in my chips. Goodbye, Sayonara… *pooof* gone….
Having “lived” for almost 55 years now, whereas 53 of those have been with severe PTSD as a steady companion, I’m over it. Let’s face it, if it hasn’t gotten better in 50 years, half a century, I can’t really see it getting better in my so called lifetime, so why bother? Just call it quits and move on… It’s sheer stupidity to just repeat things over and over again, expecting a different outcome…
Fighting My PTSD Demons 