Who am I?? Where do I belong? Am I even human? I’ll honestly admit that most days, I don’t feel human… But then, most days I really don’t want to have anything to do with the human race… Of course, I know that biologically I am human, DNA and all. Can’t argue that… But, just because my biological make up dictates that according to my DNA I fall under the category of human species, does that really make me human? Doesn’t thought, instinct, feelings, behavior etc. play any part in what you REALLY are? Not quite human, not quite animal… More some sort of hybrid caught between what is deemed “normal/abnormal”.
In order to define “normal” you must have a scale of sort, where to one side you have the 100% normal human and at the opposite end of the scale you have the abnormal. Not necessarily someone with birth-defects, just a feeling of not quite belonging among your so called peers… Feeling more comfortable and having more in common with the animals I have chosen as my family members. Feeling the love and compassion from those creatures, much more than from any human being I’ve come across over the years. Humans hurt you, animals don’t. Not talking about wild animals that see you as a potential meal. Talking about those animals that live with you as family. They love you unconditionally, same as you love them unconditionally. They don’t deliberately harm, hurt you or have a hidden agenda, just waiting to strike once they’ve snared you into trusting them. They love you for you, not for what they think they can get from you.
But yes, I do know that I am human. I think, I plan ahead, I use technology, I wear clothes, I use utensils when I eat but most of all, I have a set of morals, even if they are my own morals and not exactly the same as many other humans, they are still there and what keeps me on the “right side of the human made laws”, of what is accepted in todays society… Some of them I really don’t care much for but I have no desire to spend the rest of my life locked away, so they are included in my set of morals… But to be 110% honest with everyone… I wouldn’t mourn if I would wake up tomorrow morning to find that 99,9% of the human population had just up and vanished from the face of the earth… It’s not that I wish ill on others. Well, that’s not exactly true for everyone, as I do wish all sorts of Ill on those that have hurt both me and my son over the years. Starting with those that abused and molested me from infancy, up until I was 26 and finally said STOP, NO MORE!!! The scars and open wounds I have on my soul, will follow me to my grave and yes, I do wish those that did this to me could feel what I feel on a daily basis… But would that make me feel better or change how I feel? No…
When I was in my early 30ies and I’d finally realized that the psychiatric system, which I had been in therapy with religiously for over 10 years could do nothing for me and hadn’t been able to help me at all, other than prescribe medication, which only turns you into a zombie and treats the symptoms but does nothing for the condition itself, I chose to actively take charge of my own life and healing. I was in the process of filing for disability pension and knew that I had to work fast if I wanted to be able to go through with my plans… I knew that I would never be able to function, or have a semi-worthy life living the way I did at the time. I knew I had to get away from people in order to heal, or at least be able to have some sort of happiness in my life. I started searching for a house out in the country/forest. A safe haven which could provide me with the peace, quiet and safety that I need if I were to be able to more than just exist…
Have had many heated arguments with the “professionals” over the years… Been told countless times that the “human race” is a flock animal and in order to thrive they need to have other people in their lives… YES, I agree… IF… that is what you have been raised with… If you take the first 4 years of my life, living out in the swamps of Florida, where I wasn’t allowed any form of contact with other humans and hidden away if anyone would approach the area where my Granny’s trailer was… That set the foundation in stone how I feel about interacting with humans today, even if it has been 48 years since I left the swamps… It is the first 4 years in a child’s life/development that are CRUCIAL to how said child will function during the rest of her life… I was not allowed interaction with other humans, therefore I have no longing or NEED for it now. 2 weeks before my disability pension went through, I found the house of my dreams. A house far out in the forest, away from everyday stress and constant interaction with other humans.
Earlier, when my children were growing up, I lived in the city. I lived there for their sake. So that they could have friends and hopefully build healthy relationships with other children/humans. I wanted them to have everything I never had. I wanted to give them the choice of who and what they wanted to be. With my daughter Therése, she has handled it fine and grown into a wonderful, independent and strong individual, in spite of her having the same learning disability that my biological mother has. She’s out there in the world, happy and loves life. My son Mike on the other hand… I have created a monster…
Fighting My PTSD Demons 