I was 13 yrs. old first time I had “consensual sex” with my then (same age) x-boyfriend. He had broken up with me since I didn’t want to have sex. Not because I didn’t feel that I was old enough to have sex, I just didn’t like the idea of having sex, even though I was madly in love with the boy at the time, going beyond “making out” just turned me off. To many memories of previous sexual activities having being forced on me had made the idea of intercourse and petting something dirty, something someone did to you, not something you out of love did to someone else… My idea of showing love to someone was hugging, kissing and holding hands… As soon as someone’s hands would start to wander to more intimate parts of my body, it was as if someone would flip a switch and I would become cold and non-responsive.
I remember thinking that perhaps he would love me again if I did give in and have sex with him, so I asked him to meet me in the hayloft which belonged to the boarding school my adopted parents had sent me to and he wasn’t late to show up… About 2 kisses later our clothes were off and he was “going at it”… I remember looking up at the beams that held up the roof, trying to figure out what was so special about this “act”. It didn’t hurt and he wasn’t forcefully holding me down. I actually didn’t feel anything. Yes of course I could feel him inside of me but I had no emotion whatsoever, other than perhaps, “are you finished soon?”… A few seconds later, he was finished. Gave me a kiss, put his clothes back on and left… I remember being there in the hay, still on my back, feeling empty, lonely and used… Remember thinking… Ok… this is what boys/men want. So, if this is what they want, I’d better learn how to be good at it and then maybe they will love me? Slowly put my clothes back on, brushed off the hay that had stuck to my hair and clothes and walked back to the girls dorm. I could hear laughing as I passed the boys dorm and saw several faces looking out from one of the windows as I passed by. One of them belonging to the boy I had just “made love” with… I remember feeling anger, sorrow and also hate for him, fully understanding that he had gone straight to his buddies to brag about his conquest… I held all that inside me though, smiled and waved happily towards all the laughing boys, thinking, “you just wait, I’ll get you back and I’ll have everyone laughing at you instead”…
It didn’t take long for me to get my “revenge”. Now that the word was out that I was “accessible”, I had several boys following me around, trying to get into my pants… I played along, laughed and pretended not to know what they wanted, as I wasn’t interested in any of them. The one I was after was the “leader of the gang”. I started randomly bumping into him as if by accident, smiling shyly at him, placing my hand lightly on his arm or chest giving him some compliment or other… Didn’t take long for him to start his pursuit of me… I let him “find me” one afternoon sitting alone in the park which was right next to the school. I had rubbed my eyes so my makeup was a mess and my eyes were red and looked as if I had been crying. Of course, him being the “big tough guy” and all of 15 yrs. old, he wondered what was wrong. I let him “force my story” out of me, that I had heard that there was a rumor going around that I had had sex with my X but that it wasn’t true… I was still a virgin but everyone seemed to believe my X and not me… By that time, I had worked up some real emotions and was crying. Not for what he thought I was crying about, more crying out of anger and resentment of men/boys in general…
I let him put his arms around me to comfort me and soon he was kissing my forehead, cheeks, working his way to my mouth… My reaction when he kissed me on the mouth was probably the most honest reaction I had during the whole experience, as I nearly jumped out of my skin but that just gave my story more credibility, so I went with it… Played the ever so shy girl and he swallowed the bait, hook and line without question… Let him talk me into going somewhere more private, so that we could “talk” without being disturbed… Private, turned into being his dorm room… Talked some more while I let him hold me… Tears in my eyes, shyly told him how much I looked up to him. Fed his ego and made it grow as much as another part of his body was growing… Remember him telling me how he would NEVER do something like that to me and how much he respected me and that he had had a crush on me for the longest time… yada, yada, yada… I told him again and again that I wasn’t that “kind of girl” and he kissed away my tears with his lips, all while his shaky hands moving over my body were telling me a completely different story… I pushed his hands away from my more private parts a couple of times but he told me to relax, he was going to be ever so careful… I remember thinking… “You’re so full of shit but ok, 2 can play this game!” I let him remove my clothes and like most boys, he didn’t have a clue that there’s something called foreplay if you want to get your partner aroused… Panties off and desperately trying to “get in”… This was more or less impossible, since I was as dry as the Sahara desert… I oooooooed and owied, begging him to be careful since I was a virgin and he really believed me… Actually, it did hurt, so I didn’t have to fake that part at least… Finally after much “huffing and puffing” he managed to “get in”… A few humps and he was done… He still to this day believes that he was the one that took my virginity. Little did he know that my step grandpa had taken that many years earlier… I should have gotten an Emmy for that performance! My X was the laughingstock the remainder of the year, as of course, this big tough guy “claimed his stake” as the one that really took my virginity…
13 years old, this taught me that sex is a very powerful tool. It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel anything… it’s what you could get from it that mattered…
Fighting My PTSD Demons 